Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Silence is often a rarity for parents. When you finally get it, there is such a peaceful feeling and realization on how you need it to be more at peace. It is also something we often forget that we truly need in our lives as much as breathing, food and shelter. For without it, your life is full of annoyance and aggravation.
Children can be irritating but only because we are with them all the time and aren’t getting enough quiet time or time to ourselves. If we are getting enough time then things don’t annoy us. And it’s not just children; it’s our jobs, our pets, our homes that can cause irritation as well, when it is all of these things, its definitely time to go check into a hotel somewhere. The annoyance we feel at times is our self telling us “hey enough, what about this, or that?” We all have needs, we need to exercise, we need to cultivate our inner self so we are better people to those we love, we need to communicate with our spouses, loved ones and friends, and sometimes we just need quiet or time away from our children to do these things.
Sometimes that need comes in the form of guilt. Our kids are climbing all over us, asking for things over and over again, sometimes things we just gave them. They are coming out from their beds at night and interrupting our time that we finally got or have designated as “our time”. And they are annoying us, so we feel guilty; because of course we are grateful for them. Just like the way our pets, bosses, jobs, schools and what not annoy us, but nevertheless we still value those things. But it is now that our bodies need a break from those things, because the cup is over full with too much of a good thing.
Guilt in this situation is really to yourself, you are denying yourself the needed time, or you’re denying it to your friends, spouse or whomever. And when this happens, it is time for a break.
I forget sometimes how much time has passed from when Noah was last away at his grandparents. But I start to realize it when I am getting more and more annoyed, and I know it’s not because I am overall unhappy. Overall I am grateful and satisfied in my life, but it comes down to basic logistics. If you’re constantly interrupted during your only down time with each other, it should annoy you, otherwise it wouldn’t mean anything and you didn’t need the down time to begin with.
Sending the kids off to grandmas, or sending yourself somewhere away from work or the things that have overfilled your cup is a necessity to keep functioning as the human being you are or aspire to be. Everything in life takes a break, the sun goes down, the moon comes up, and if you believe in god even they took a day off. So must you, otherwise you’re just a victim to your own life. You eventually grow to resent things around you but it would be your own fault for not doing anything about it.
I know how that can be a challenge when you don’t have anyone who can help you, or maybe you don’t have the money. Resources are such an important part of living after all. And this has been our story the whole time. We rarely ever had anyone who could help, sure on occasion I can send Noah to one of his grandparents. But we have also had the issues where we could not because life happens, someone got sick, something popped up, and sometimes all the stars” have to align, including on our end, to make things work out. This is just the case when you don’t have a lot of resources. If you have many friends, and a large family then ask them for help, they may not know you need it if you never asked before. Or maybe even if you have, and they should know you need it, they just may not be thinking about it. And sadly sometimes you realize, most of the people you know are selfish people, and have the type of family who thinks you should just do everything yourself, not ever ask for help because they have their problems too.
This is where being creative, and sometimes just doing whatever you have to do, to make it so, is exactly what you must do. Because you are worth it. This is your life, not someone else's. You need to be able to live it. So do what you must, and don't apologize for needing to put gas back in your tank.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Once I was ready to go at it full time, Noah needed me more, and I still somehow managed to work alongside therapy and later therapists for him. I will never know how I did it.
However with Noah finally settled into a school routine, and eBay changing its complexion so much it is unrecognizable to people who have been there a long time. So much that it was actually going to cost me money to sell anything. I got out it, it took a year, but I got out. This past May I focused on writing the book
I have been working at the kitchen table, amongst giant piles of school papers from Noah, bills, IEP stuff, papers related to my book and my writing jobs and then all the other typical papers people have that run a household. The table was also home to things that haven’t found their home yet, menus, junk mail.
A year ago I chose to finish writing the book at the table, just because the desk I did have at the time wasn’t promoting the writing experience I needed due to lack of elbow room and the space restrictions. Big massive desk which was not designed for really doing much but house things and look good. It was pretty, but not functional, but it was what I had for the past 8 years.
Then after the summer we brought in some other furniture when my dad and friends were moving as well as storing some stuff, I got rid of the old desk but still needed a new desk. The office because of all this and the holidays, and all of the other things we were doing turned into a giant closet. I knew it would not stay that way once I got a desk and new filing cabinet (since the old one was so old the handles had broken off)Figured while I was saving for a desk I would just work in the kitchen. I guess at the time I didn’t anticipate it would take this long.
I still haven’t purchased a desk, but I still got one from my husband’s parents who came upon one somewhere, either they found it or had it at home and didn’t need it, either way, grateful it made its way to my house this weekend.
What a difference though it has made, everything can go back to its rightful place, and I am not competing with my own space in a kitchen that does not have enough counter space for making most meals, at least with the table back it is better.
The point being, I am patting myself on the back because of all I have accomplished despite not having a viable work area, and being surrounded in chaos both figuratively with the papers, and literally with Noah and animals. Despite that, the normal challenges and not so normal, the numbers being what they are I have still managed to get up every day and continue to try, I have written almost 50 articles in the past two months, wrote a book and have been promoting it all by my little self with no help from anyone.
So now that I have received this desk, and got my office back, I feel lighter, and more focused. I realized through our own crisis I have mostly handled it well, mostly. Overall I try to stay focused on the solution rather than the problem, but I have focused on the problem more than I should. But now, I feel even freer of it. I have been telling myself to not think about aspects that I can’t change, my taxes, mortgage are what they are, food costs what it costs, being very conservative in all these aspects is still; what it is..so let it be. There will be an answer, let it be.