Noah in ocean at Seaside Heights NJ in 2009 after many years of trying
I have been working my butt off to the brink of illness and partial insanity. Mostly happy crazy, but it has been difficult trying to find new ways to rob Peter to pay Paul. I know success is there, just waiting to happen and patience is tough when there is no timeline to work with. It is one thing to know that the bank account will yield the effort put forth next year, next month or later today…but when you don’t know, it sucks!! And it only sucks because of necessity, not desire, just the desire to have what is necessary.
I am fine with certain sacrifices or choices, I do not need fancy things like newer clothing or a more than 2 pairs of shoes, and I don’t need to get my nails done, get a new car every few years, drink fancy coffees or go shopping for fun. I don’t need many vacations but would like to do it more than once every seven years. In fact I think anyone that has a lot of stress needs to be able to take care of themselves, and really just being able to keep a roof over our heads and take care of ourselves is all I want.
I do not seek tons of money, just enough to pay the bills and a little left over to save for the things we want to do and when stuff just happens. It shouldn’t be that I can’t afford to feed my son the healthy foods he needs because that costs more than we have coming in and I should just keep him impaired and sick because that is what we can afford. The reason we have any difficulty financially is because of Noah's Autism, so I resent the idea that the only thing that we ”did wrong” was have him, which I DO NOT think, so if I am suppose to, then I say SCREW YOU to that and anyone who thinks it.
I don’t expect something for nothing; I just want back what I put in, at some point..and I would like to know when that is coming.
I am grateful for the BS though, what we have learned from the BS is who has been there for us, who helps and who doesn’t. One day there will be success, and I have to choose who I will then help, because it will not be right to help people who either did nothing when asked, or did nothing at all as if we don’t exist and have been asking for help, or the worse kind, those that actually think their problems are worse than ours and actually hurt us.
Those standing with us when success happens will be blessed, because of our gratitude for their love for us, and those who do nothing, get...nothing because I won't take from people who deserve it to give to people that don't. I am not directing this to anyone in particular, but when I think about how tough it has been there are people who have made it a bit better. We all make a difference in the lives of the people we know it’s up to us to make it a positive or negative one. And because I have always brought positive stuff to the people I know and sometimes don’t even know is how despite any financial troubles I sleep very well.
Lord knows there are some HUGE douche bags in the world that have much more in the bank, but not in the soul or morality bank so I know I am richer than them. I can say at least I have always been honest, not envious or judgmental of anyone. I work hard, think about things thoroughly and believe in helping those less fortunate than myself. Somehow even though we have not been in a position to really help others, we still do. I am grateful for that, for being who I am, it makes me much richer in ways that are way more important, but would like to live a full life and not die from stress malnutrition or being homeless at some point. Doesn’t seem like I am asking much, I would like to be “normal”, well just below that is ok.
I know worry is useless, and I have to learn to be comfortable with the fact that sometimes there will be negative money in the bank, sometimes there will not be enough food on the shelves and until things improve there will be times we will need things that we won’t be able to have so life will just continue to cost more because of not being able to maintain. I just need to be patient.
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