Monday, November 5, 2012

An open letter to my cats and dog

Dear ones I support and govern. I am sick and tired of your entitlement ways and dependency on me who governs you. Why can’t you go get your own food? Do you think just because you’re adorable and loving I should feed you, provide shelter and clean water? I think it’s time you pulled yourselves up by your bootstraps and started feeding yourselves, cleaning up your own filth and paying me more money for putting up with your lazy asses.

However, I also want to apologize for being pressured by society to take away your fertility, it was wrong of me as it should be up to god on how many litters you have and not us humans. Obviously we have plenty of room on this planet, and even if it gets a bit more populated, I can always put you on the roof of the car. More survival of the fittest you know. Sorry Gibson, you are the slow one, so we will miss you.  As far as veterinary care, I will no longer be making you go to the vet as who am I to tell you how to take care of yourself. If you want to get healthcare then get a job and walk yourselves to the vet.
                                                                  All you do is sleep and eat, you disgust me.

I will also not be spending any more time trying to educate myself in your care. Education is just a form of indoctrination and my time would be better spent making money.

Gibson, you in particular have to stop having these female or mommy tendencies, I know you weren’t born that way and I am obviously failing you as a pet-parent because you are not more male-like. So stop cleaning the kittens and taking care of them, if you love them too much they won’t be able to take care of themselves. And you will go to HELL!

Things will change; we will bring our household back to a time where there were fewer rules. You will be able to piss, poop, scratch and sit on anything you like. And Fred you can eat it all, since as I said we aren’t worried about going to the Vet anymore. You will be able to do whatever you want, but if I don’t like it I can shoot you at any time.
                      and don't try to be cute and give me that didn't work for that food.

There will be no more sharing of toys, beds or food.  Sharing is wrong, only the lucky can prosper, if you aren’t lucky you aren’t praying hard enough.

I know it isn’t all of you; it’s just about 47% of this furry bunch that thinks you are victims to humans.

Just remember I can wheel this power because I have opposable thumbs and you don’t know how to operate a gun.
 You can't fool me again, I gave you that toy first...okay it was given to me to give to you, but so what

Love and Kisses your human overlord

PS. Be sure to tell your fellow cats and dogs without homes that immigrate into our society that they are not real cats and dogs, but even bigger moochers then you guys. We here are going to start rounding them up and sending them back to Egypt (well the cats anyway).